Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
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Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.