Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Banking tips
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”