Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
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me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Wait for it
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.