As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
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Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
You better watch out
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
me irl
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.