I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
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Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
we all know this pain all too well
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof