I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.