People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.