When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.