Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
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They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
pat pat
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.