I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life