SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
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The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
S/o to @funTweeters .
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Me recordaron éste meme
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
When you’ve simply given up.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.