I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?