the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
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The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂