Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
You Might Also Like
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER