5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
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I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy