*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
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*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
(Gaming support cat.)
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.