[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
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Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
what day is it?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
That’s classic.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.