I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
You Might Also Like
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
#Caturday
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.