Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
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My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam