HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
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Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
British websites use biscuits.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home