No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
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My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
This is true.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets