Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
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TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.