Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.