Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight