Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
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“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
oh my god
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza