[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
You had me at “define legal”.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Breaking news:
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.