Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
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I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]