Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
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{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.