My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
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[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.