Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
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noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down