I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
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A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.