According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
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[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had