Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
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Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
All generalizations are stupid.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.