Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
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“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember鈥r friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 馃檨
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I鈥檇 like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me: I鈥檓 sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn鈥檛 eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you鈥檙e the port. It鈥檚 still good but a little hurtful.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i鈥檓 trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My life in a nutshell
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
馃惀馃悾
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: I don鈥檛 get it. I鈥檝e been watching this show for three hours and I still don鈥檛 know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That鈥檚 the Olympics
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.