Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
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Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
the council will decide your fate
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute