I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet