A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.