Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
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Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
and now we wait
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”