“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
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Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can