Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
You Might Also Like
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.