quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle