“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
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If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
The symmetry is uncanny.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
When your best mate counts as a desk too