Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
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My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
me and the Superbowl rn
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.