Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
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[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.