Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
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I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
What an awful time to have common sense.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I can fix him.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.