My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
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[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story