I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
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I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
🙀🙀🙀😹
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.