every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
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Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Oh no
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Omg 🤣
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart