Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Breaking news:
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
mechanics be like
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.