Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
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We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.